A Definitive Guide to the Trump Criminal Cases

The BEST crimes, and so many of them!

Phew! Who can keep track of all these Trump crimes? It’s like the Corleones and the Shelbys had an AI hate child who can’t stop spewing ALL CAP posts on Truth Social. There’s way too many court cases to follow, so here’s a helpful explainer of all the legal troubles involving and probably implicating the former President of the United States, who 63 million of you dummies managed to elect in 2016.

Classified Document Case

We all remember the iconic bathroom photo in which reams of classified documents were found under the chandelier and behind the toilet at Mar-A-Lago, which definitely means there were some investigators immersing themselves in a Purell bath after they clocked out that day.

But how did this all come about? You know how when you leave a hotel room, and sometimes you decide to take all the shampoos, soaps and whatever else isn’t nailed down with you? That’s what Trump and his aides did in January 2021, only instead of a tiny bottle of Crabtree & Evelyn Verbena shampoo, it was hundreds of classified documents, and also instead of a King bed non smoking suite at the Best Western, it was the White House.

There are a whopping 40 charges pending against Donald in this case, including willful retention of national defense information, concealing documents in a federal investigation, and conspiracy to obstruct justice. Luckily for the Donald, the person assigned to this case is a Trump appointed Federalist Society Florida judge who probably spends her evenings fuming about George Soros and the dangers of Woke Barbie. A court date has been set on May 20, 2024.

New York Hush Money Case

This one involves a mere 34 charges of falsifying business records and dates back to 2016, when the world was much a more innocent place and still in deep denial about climate change.

The short version of this story is that Trump paid Stormy Daniels money ahead of the 2016 election to keep their affair quiet, and then falsified financial records in order to pay back his lawyer Michael Cohen who made the initial Stormy payment.

The Hush Money story is arguably the most entertaining of all of Trump’s alleged crimes, as it involves a porn star, an anecdote involving a Forbes magazine spanking, and a man called Allen Weisselberg. Bonus points if you remember Michael Avenatti.

A trial for this case has been scheduled for March 2024. You can read more about this salacious case here.

2020 Election / January 6th Case

This case boils down to one essential question: Is it ever ok for a President to overthrow the results of a democratic election and carry out a violent coup to install himself as dictator for life?

These are nuanced legal points which can’t always be understood by watching Alan Dershowtiz talk about them on Fox News, although that never stops your uncle from saying stuff like “I personally saw 2000 mules put ballots into a drop box in San Luis, Arizona.”

Anyway, Trump tried to do a coup and now he actually might face legal consequences for it. Or not. Powerful white men tend to get away with crimes in the United States, but even powerful white man Mike Pence seems to have come to his senses. Although since Donald once said the January 6th mob was right to chant “Hang Mike Pence”, maybe he’s just partial to a little gallows humor.

Georgia Election Inquiry

Trump has yet to be indicted in this case (update: Trump was indicted, life moves at you fast!), although a grand jury has been selected and possible charges are looming to hold him accountable for his efforts to overturn the 2020 election in the state of Georgia. This is where Trump pressured Georgia officials to “find” 11,000 votes in yet another perfect phone call.

Honestly this is just lazy writing at this point, because we already had an “overturning the election” case in another episode. Still, what with the ongoing writer’s strike, and the propensity of the main character to believe that he’s above the law, I guess we can all accept that this is all extremely crazy and that Donald Trump should have never been President. Except for the people who still believe he’s White Jesus.

Well, hopefully this has been a helpful explainer. So get your popcorn ready, but also your barf bag, because Donald Trump will probably be nominated in 2024 despite everything written here. As a great man once said, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” Or not. Maybe. It’s anyone’s guess. See above about the powerful white men.