As A Billionaire, I’m Really Enjoying This Citizens United Election!
I love this election so much, I’m going to buy it!
Huzzah! The election is a week away, and I gotta tell you, I’m enjoying it tremendously. I’ve been funneling $95 million here, $165 million there, and giving all of it to the fellow who’s going to lower my taxes even more, Donald Trump. And I have Citizens United to thank — so great job, Anthony Kennedy. Truly this is American democracy at its best. In fact, I love it so much, I’m trying to buy it!
This election is capital, and I mean that literally. Thanks to the 2010 Supreme Court decision, me and more than 60 billionaires are protecting our obscene assets by supporting the little guy. Haha, just kidding — Donald Trump is the opposite of the little guy, and no, I’m not making a fat joke, though that is certainly my right as an obscenely wealthy person. I’m merely pointing out which candidate demonstrably has our back, and also our copious campaign donations.
Wealth disparity is off the charts these days in America and by Jove, we intend to keep it that way. That excellent fellow Elon has practically moved to Pennsylvania to help us out, and we’re all hoping he sees a good ROI on his $132million investment, not to mention his purchase of Twitter. Hopefully by supporting Trump, he can lock in his ranking as the world’s wealthiest man for good, especially once Donald actually makes him a czar, like he promised.
Super pacs, dark money, shell companies — there’s no end to the ways we billionaires buy elections these days. Back when the Republican Supreme Court took away all spending limits on elections, people used to worry about the whole “corporations are people” thing. But really, what they should have been worried about was us, the billionaire class who can inject $1.2 billion dollars into elections without any oversight, transparency or limitations. And now we can do whatever we want, like installing an erratic fascist with deteriorating cognitive capabilities into the White House.
But non-billionaire voters don’t need to know any of this, of course! Even though Republicans work overtime to keep Citizens United intact and Democrats want to get rid of it, plenty of voters believe that both parties are equally corrupt. And that’s because we have good men like JD Vance saying things like, “We need a leader who’s not in the pocket of big business, but answers to the working man”. A second later he and Donald pocketed $514 million from guys like me. Then he lit up a Gurkha Royal Courtesan Cigar and spent some quality time with his couch.
I do sometimes wonder about sods like Soros and Gates who are actually supporting the woman who promised to raise taxes for the rich. What could they be thinking? Why are they so self hating? It’s almost as if they care about something other than their big fat bank accounts. It’s truly un-American, but maybe Don can do something about them, once he gets in.
The funny thing is that after she entered the race, Kamala Harris was rising in the polls and things looked pretty bleak for a while. Trump would probably be so far behind her if it weren’t for our intervention! Luckily, we came to Don’s rescue and now it looks like he can win again. Thank G$d, this is America — land of the free, home of the brave, and tax shelter of the 1%. And if that wealthy class doesn’t have the right to subvert Democracy by pouring millions into swing states right now, then what is any of this for?
Well, you’ll have to excuse me. Rupert, Miriam and I are going to Antibes to snort cocaine off the tusk of a white rhino that Don Jr. hacked to death. We’ll be washing it down with Goût de Diamants, which I bought when I was last at my chateau in France. That’s one of the many places I can flee to in case things ever go horribly wrong here in the United States. Though I can’t imagine why that would ever happen!
