Black Friday 2019 FAQs
What is Black Friday?
Black Friday is a day when it’s great to be an American, especially a wealthy one with the elbows of a Philadelphia Eagles nose tackle whose hobbies include staying up all night and camping out in front of Walmart.
When is Black Friday?
The day after we commemorate a feast eaten by a group of Pilgrims who only wanted to worship God with purity and simplicity and a Samsung 65-inch Class 4K (2160P) Ultra HD Smart LED TV for $647.99.
What Does Black Friday represent?
Black Friday represents how consumerism has sucked all the light out of our souls and is also a great opportunity to buy an Xbox One X 1TB Scorpio engine enhanced gaming system for $399.99.
Can Black Friday make me happy?
Yes, because the meaning of life is to possess a Le Creuset fondue pot.
Should I be afraid of Black Friday?
It does sound a bit ominous, doesn’t it? But rest assured, there’s nothing to fear. I mean, when thousands of people swarm an unprotected commercial area not designed to accommodate a fraction of those human numbers, what could possibly go wrong? Also, none of your fellow shoppers will probably even have a disease that’s both infectious and incurable.
Where did the name Black Friday come from?
It’s attributed to the Philadelphia Police Department because it was and still is an absolutely terrible day to be a police officer. Interestingly, the Philadelphia Police Department also coined the word Yolo.
What else could we do with the 57 billion dollars we’ll spend?
End world hunger or buy 1,266 Lamborghini Veneno Roadsters. It’s all fine.
If Black Friday were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?
A parasitic albino redwood.
Why have Americans been indoctrinated to glorify absolute capitalism and reject common sense social safety net programs like universal healthcare and family leave?
HOW DARE YOU! WE ARE NOT INDOCTRINATED! ALL HAIL THE HOLY DOLLAR YOU VILLAINOUS BLA$PHEMER!
Can you recommend any strategies for Black Friday?
Think carefully. Do you want a MacBook or a tablet? A WiFi built-in Bluray player or a pomelo? Save your money, do your research and then put Janis Joplin’s Mercedes Benz on your ̶r̶e̶c̶o̶r̶d̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶e̶r̶, ̶c̶a̶s̶s̶e̶t̶t̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶e̶r̶, ̶c̶d̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶e̶r̶, ̶i̶P̶a̶d̶,̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶T̶u̶b̶e̶, Spotify.
Is it unpatriotic not to shop on Black Friday?
Of course not! Just don’t tap ‘Black Friday boycott’ onto your keyboard or ‘The Man’ will automatically put you on ‘The List’ and you’ll wake up with a headache, an unexplained lesion on your forearm and a new Playmobil Dragon and Knights playset.
What is the item I must absolutely buy on Black Friday?
A Tupperware 3-piece sandwich keeper lunch set and a Glock 19 Gen 4 with a matte polymer frame finish.
Wait. Why does Black Friday start on a Thursday?
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man.” — Tyler Durden, Fight Club
