Goebbels Said ‘Always Accuse Your Enemies Of Your Own Sins’ And Coincidentally, I’m Labelling Anything LGBTQ+ As “Grooming”
If you pay close attention to politics, you may suddenly be hearing the word “grooming” a lot. That’s because we’re at an essential transition point, where an idea or a trope moves from the fringe to the mainstream. —Washington Post
Oh my Lord there is grooming happening. It is all around us, friends, and when I say “all around us”, I mean that there are LGBTQ+ people existing, minding their own business, doing their jobs, and sometimes just ordering a mustard green smoothie against their own better judgment. This is why I support Florida’s Don’t Say Gay bill — because with no evidence at all, I am conflating LGBTQ culture with grooming. I just care so much about the children! Also, here’s a picture of me and my BFF Josh Duggar.
Yes yes, THAT Josh Duggar, but enough about Josh. I am here to warn you of the devil in our midst. Thankfully, the GOP is addressing this sinfulness by passing a slew of homophobic legislation which I insist on calling “anti-grooming” laws. This talking point resonates well with the white suburban moms who voted for Roy Moore, a man who was literally banned from stalking children at shopping malls.
Hoo boy — this grooming problem is so bad that even Micky Mouse is complicit. That’s why on the darkest and shitpostiest corners of the internet, me and my buddies went ballistic when a Disney executive said that two of her kids were transgender and pansexual. Did we consider that the Disney VP was talking about adult children? No, because it was much easier to get a BoycottDisney hashtag going, and then accuse her and Disney of grooming and sexualizing children. Sexualizing children is evil! Then we prayed to the Lord that we will one day be able to cast our votes yet again for the man who talked about dating a ten-year-old girl, discussed the breast size of his baby daughter, and said he would date his “hot” other daughter.
While we’re on this subject, I can’t believe Joe Biden nominated a Supreme Court Justice who’s so soft on child pornography that her judicial record matches other judges I supported without question. We must take a stand against predators, and if I repeat the word ‘grooming’ one more time, no one will even remember that the longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House in history was Dennis Hastert, a popular conservative who sexually abused children.
Years ago I warned you that gay marriage was just a gateway drug to bestiality, pedophilia and an end to civilization. Now I have to keep my ugly and hate filled remarks to myself on account of cancel culture tyranny. What choice do I have, but to try to convince gullible dummies that any positive discussion of the LGBTQ+ community is the same as child abuse? This strategy is all I have left, apart from the fading Vote For Mark Foley decal on my refrigerator.
Grooming Grooming Grooming! Does my inappropriate use of this word trivialize the trauma experienced by actual survivors of child sexual abuse? It does, but the important thing is to get people to associate the word with anyone who isn’t a straight, conservative asshole. Speaking of which, who even can remember Trump, Hastert, Foley and when Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz and Brett Kavanaugh all still wield enormous power over other people despite their abuse and cover ups?
You know what’s funny? I’m shouting so loudly about imaginary LGBTQ+ grooming that it’s drowning out what Tennessee Republicans are doing right under our nose, which is legalizing child marriage and the sexual abuse of children. In fact child “marriage” is legal all over the United States, thanks to Republicans who regularly block legislation that would ban it. Bet you didn’t even know about that, on account of my Qanon-inspired moral panic hysteria about fictional grooming.
It’s so important to protect the children!
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