I’m Just a Regular Run-Of-The-Mill Adult Screaming At A Child Selling Girl Scout Cookies
Your cookies are evil, fattening and funding the Soros cabal
Co-written By Fiona Taylor
Girl Scout cookie sellers as young as 5 are being harassed for selling unhealthy food and a conspiracy theory about cookie money funding abortion — Insider
Hey, there little girl! Aren’t you sweet, selling your Tagalongs® in your Daisy uniform? Aww, the sales proceeds fund your troop’s activities? As a Mom, it’s good to see girls getting involved in something positive, which is why I’m disappointed in your decision to sell those cookies, which are as evil as Satan and twice as fattening.
Do you have any Do-si-dos®? I hate to tell you this but you’re gonna gain weight if you eat those, sweetie. One in five women struggle with an eating disorder, but that’s not even on my radar. What’s most important is that we, as a society, have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food, diet, and harshly judging people we deem overweight, which is why I feel I have to scold a sweet eight-year-old child who’s trying to sell me cookies. After all, obesity is the real epidemic — one you can’t just cure with horse paste. “A second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips” would be a good theme for a badge, come to think of it.
I can’t believe the price you’re asking for those Lemon-Ups® either. You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here asking me to fund your camping trip when I can barely afford my daily Caramel Ribbon Crunch Cappuccino — no doubt due to Joe Biden doing socialism. So while you go ahead and shamelessly enrich yourself, I’ll be getting my cookies on Amazon, thank you very much, because they deliver to my door and they’re faster than you. Why should I pre-pay and wait on delivery from the Girl Scouts when I can have instant gratification with some cheaper, equally sugary knock-offs that benefit no one except that kindly spaceman Jeff Bezos?
Anyone with a cursory awareness of Qanon matters knows that Toast-Yay!™ cookies are funding abortion. This idea might be based on a debunked 2004 rumor spread by a Waco lunatic fundamentalist, but it showed up on my Mommy Facebook group just the same, so it’s credible. Shame on you! Human life is precious, which is why we own 47 guns and have threatened to shoot up schools to protest protective masks that could save lives. And if your parents don’t love you enough to protect you from school shootings by buying you a bulletproof backpack, that’s on them. Maybe if you cut back on the cookies, you’d be able to run faster.
Didn’t anyone ever tell you how much palm oil they put in Toffee-tastic® cookies? It’s completely irresponsible for you to sell these, Missy. Don’t you even care about the environment? You take your cookies and go, walking right past my Hummer, which I absolutely need to transport Madison and Reagan and all their gear to soccer on Saturday mornings. See, the stick figure family decal on my back window includes a dog. I think we know who’s the real friend to the animals here.
Look, if you’re walking around selling Girl Scout cookies in those suggestive uniforms, you’re just going to have to expect some sexual harassment — unless, of course, you eat your own cookies and gain too much weight. No, I don’t know what “patriarchal beauty standards” means, but I do know that healthy, alpha red-blooded men shouldn’t be expected to hold back if they see a pretty gal.
After all, this is America, dammit. That means any disgusting comments are protected under Freedom of Speech, as is this harangue I’m subjecting you to, which you have no choice but to listen to. That suits me fine since most of my family members are avoiding me ever since my Stop the Steal activism.
You know, it just occurred to me that maybe my wildly inappropriate behavior towards a little girl selling Girl Scout cookies is emblematic of everything that’s wrong with America. Maybe our attitudes of entitlement, our desire to control girls and women, our crazy religious fundamentalist views, and our inability to discern real from fake news — maybe it’s all combusting and corroding our society so that we’ll never be able to recover, and we should probably stop it before it’s too late and wake up and be kind and compassionate to children and everyone, and also maybe enjoy a box of Thin Mints®.
Or maybe I’ll just accuse you of working for George Soros. I’m sure it will all work out!
Devorah Blachor is the author of The Feminist’s Guide To Raising A Little Princess. Her writing and humor have appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times and The Washington Post, among others. Find her on Twitter.
Fiona Taylor is a co-founder of The Belladonna and a writer, humorist, and content director who lives in Queens. She co-wrote the satirical gift book, New Erotica for Feminists.
