My $44b Town Square Will Save Humanity
What could possibly go wrong?
Things are really bad, folks. People are divided. The future of our civilization is at stake, but never fear! My purchase of this $44b Town Square is going to save humanity. My first order of business is to ensure that the important voice of Cat Turd will be heard by the masses.
For our $44b Town Square to deserve public trust, it MUST be politically neutral. This is why I, the ruler of the Town Square, am here in Hillary Clinton’s comments spreading this trash lie about Paul Pelosi.
Our $44b Town Square will be a marketplace of ideas, a space where Jordan Peterson and Greta Thunberg are considered equals, except only the women will be subject to constant harassment.
A beautiful thing about this $44b town square is how it empowers citizen journalism. For example, conspiracy theories about George Soros drinking baby blood should be able to spread quickly, efficiently and indefinitely, especially by the folks who pay for $8 blue checks. Can I get a Sieg Town Square?
This $44b Town Square will be a bastion of Free Speech, where everyone can say whatever they want, except for women who have signed my NDAs and also whistleblowers at Tesla who I will sue for $167m. Also anyone who doesn’t swear a loyalty oath to me is fired.
“There is currently great danger that social media will splinter into far right wing and far left wing echo chambers that generate more hate and divide our society.” Therefore, in this $44b Town Square, men who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the N word can now spew racial slurs all day long. Let the healing begin!
Things can get pretty noisy in this $44b Town Square. But don’t worry — whoever mobilizes the biggest bot army will drown out everyone else. Extra points if they’re being funded by the Kremlin and can swing an election. Remember Spirit Cooking?
Great news! Comedy is legal again in this $44b Town Square, and by “comedy”, I mean jokes that include fatphobic content, homophobic slurs, and misogynist one liners. LOLZ!
Climate denial and science are the same exact thing in this $44b Town Square, and not winning an election is the same as winning an election. I want this to be a space where a Proud Boy can feel safe, and the town pharmacist can be executed for not prescribing enough ivermectin.
It can’t be that people stop communicating with each other. We must be exposed to opinions different to our own. That is why I, the fragile ruler of this $44b town square, will block anyone who says things I don’t like.
My $44b town square, which I literally purchased, belongs to the common man. And by common man, I refer to people less rich than myself who have an unhealthy fixation with me and believe my wealth makes me infallible.
Behold! The Three Musketeers will be free to frolic and prance about the cobblestones of my $44b Town Square. And as long as people rant and rave about Jews controlling the media — like they used to in town squares of yore — everything should be just fine, mostly for Nazis.
For too long, people have toiled against their oppressors. In Iran, women rise up against a despotic police state. In Ukraine, ordinary citizens give their lives for their nation’s’ liberation. Similarly, here in our community, heroes like David Duke, Laura Loomer, and Gavin McInnes count among the mistreated and the downtrodden. You could say that our town square is a little like Bizarro world.
In our $44b Town Square, hate crimes are met with a neighborly wink and a nod. Innocent people can be bludgeoned by hammers and then be victim blamed and slandered by yours truly. And most importantly, men’s rights are human rights here in our town square, which is no different from anywhere else in the entire patriarchal world. Still, we pretend this is radical thought, because we like to imagine we’re rebellious edge lords instead of facing the ugly truth about ourselves. In our $44b Town Square, any MAGA asshole with a keyboard can feel like a king.
Welp, it turns out that no one wanted to sign a loyalty oath to an erratic billionaire shitposter with zero impulse control and a poor understanding of how a town square, or even a social media company, actually works. I guess that’s a wrap for our $44b Town Square then. There’s nothing more to say now, except goodbye, God speed, and see everyone on the group chats!
