My iPhone, My iPhone, My Kingdom for an iPhone

Now is the winter of our discontent

Made glorious summer by this Vlad of Pute;

And all the clouds that lour’d upon Mar-a-Lago

In the deep bosom of the Ping Pong basement buried.

Now are our brows bound with 77,000 votes in 3 swing states,

Our electoral maps printed ad nauseam,

Our fake IRA social media accounts changed to $50,000-per-plate fundraisers,

Our dreadful memes to delightful chopper rantings.

Grim-visaged rallies hath smoothed his bone spurs;

And now, instead of mounting porn stars

To fright the souls of third wives,

He capers sluggishly on the golf course

To the banal setlists of Ted Nugent.

But I, that am not shaped for any kind of physical activity,

Nor made to court an amorous looking glass;

I, that am orange stamped and want love’s majesty

To strut before Ivanka;

I do the wrong, and first begin to tweet.

The secret mischiefs that I set abroach

I lay unto the grievous charge of Hillary and Obama.

Paul Manafort and Mike Flynn and Michael Cohen, whom I indeed have cast in darkness,

I do beweep to many simple gulls,

Namely, to Sean, Tucker, Judge Jeanine,

And tell them ’tis Nancy and her allies

That stir the Democrats against Mike my VP.

Now they believe it and withal whet me

To be revenged on Nadler, Schiff, AOC Plus 3;

But then I sigh and, with a piece of Two Corinthians,

Tell them that the King of Israel bids us do good for evil;

And thus I clothe my naked villainy

With odd old ends stolen out of Holy Writ,

And seem a saint when most I play the devil.

Come, bustle, bustle. Lindsay my horse. —

Call up Brad Parscale; bid him bring his trolls. —

Kevin McCarthy of Bakersfield, Stephen Miller of Santa Monica,

Shall have the leading of these Sunday shows.

They thus directed, we will follow

In the main messaging battle, whose puissance on either side

Shall be well winged with Rudy Giuliani.

This, and Jerry Falwell Jr. to boot — What think’st thou,

Bill?

Conscience is but a word that cowards use,

Devised at first to keep the strong in awe.

Our strong arms be our conscience, lies our law.

Hark! I hear their lawyers.

Fight, men of the GOP.

Fight, bold wealthy white men.

Talk, politicians, talk these talking points.

Tell your lies shamelessly, and ride in corruption.

Amaze even Fox News with your broken souls

An iphone! An iphone! My kingdom for an iphone!