Other Unlikely Scandals Involving Elizabeth Warren

BREAKING: Elizabeth Warren has been maliciously eroding the self-esteem of her golden retriever Bailey by calling him a good dog, even though he’s a very good dog.

SHOCKING: Elizabeth Warren and Bruce Mann play a twisted sex game in which Bruce pretends to be a blueberry and banana walnut pancake and Elizabeth cosplays Martha Stewart.

SHAMEFUL: Elizabeth Warren sleeps in a different Nina McLemore tailored jacket every night and then machine washes it without a mesh bag.

HEINOUS: Elizabeth Warren practices Wicca and once cast a spell on a hapless hedge fund trader which made his hair permanently resistant to pomade.

SICKENING: Elizabeth Warren had a previously undisclosed cameo in Adam Sandler’s film Jack and Jill.

GHASTLY: In the vintage photo of Elizabeth Warren now circulating, she is secretly thinking about Kris Kristofferson and imagining that she’s Rita Coolidge.

SOMETHING’S FISHY: Elizabeth’s Warren maiden name revealed — It’s Herring!

DISGRACEFUL: Despite her extensive work for consumer advocacy and her role in creating the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, Elizabeth Warren only ever watched three episodes of Fight Back! with David Horowitz.

HORRIFYING: Whenever Elizabeth Warren meets a little girl, she tells them, “My name is Elizabeth and I’m running for president, because that’s what girls do” and then she pinky promises with them so they’ll remember, but not once has she promised to take any of them to see Frozen 2.

ASTONISHING: Elizabeth Warren has moved passed Joe Biden in national polls.